JEN AKS 0:00
Okay, talk about courageous vulnerability. This woman, Erin Washington, represents that statement better than anybody I know. She wears her heart on her sleeve, and she has a podcast where she does this day in and day out. She opens up her soul to the world — her struggle, her pain, her journey, her awakenings, her revelations, her pivots, her traumas, all of it — because she wants to help you open your heart to the truth of who you are, to the joy of who you are, to the pain of who you are, in the hopes that we just strip it all down and be real and show up authentically and lead our life from the inside out.
I am so honored and so privileged to have her here today. Oh my gosh, you are in store for a great conversation. I'm thrilled to be sharing this with you today. Here we go.
Welcome to the Wisdom From Within podcast. My name is Jen Aks, and I am your host. This is where mindset meets bodyset, where we access both so that we can make the most genuine, authentic, empowered impact on those we love and those we serve. Let's get started.
We're ready to rock it out. Oh my gosh. I am so, so, so excited to have you with me today. This is Erin Washington, people. She is a best-selling author, wellness podcast host, and founder dedicated to helping women feel seen, empowered, and less alone. She hosts the popular Therein P with Erin Washington Podcast, where she shares raw, honest conversations about body image, self-worth, sobriety, co-parenting, and life's messiest transitions — bringing vulnerability and humor to topics that so many of us avoid.
A former Division I athlete, Erin struggled with disordered eating and body image for decades before finding peace and self-acceptance in her late 30s. Her journey fuels her mission to uplift others, especially teenage girls, through mentorship and community. In 2022, she founded the nonprofit Blue Butterfly Foundation, creating safe spaces for girls to gain confidence and resilience. Erin lives in the Atlanta area with her two children, balancing motherhood, entrepreneurship, and meaningful work that inspires growth, connection, and deep transformation.
I love it. You're incredible. And I am so happy to have you here today because this podcast, Wisdom From Within, is all about connecting our human stories and talking about them so that we can unlock and hear the wisdom inside of those stories — our struggles, our joys, our successes, the whole journey — so that we can lead authentically. And so it's the human story piece connected to how it impacts our leadership in the world. And you have lived on both sides of this coin. You've got such an incredible story to tell. I know you've shared it many times, and I'm honored and thrilled that you're here to share it with our listeners. So welcome, welcome, welcome.
ERIN WASHINGTON 4:01
It is absolutely my pleasure to be here with you. And just to tell you — your little voice notes that hype me up — if everyone just had a Jen Aks in their life. You can't have Jen. Jen's mine. But find somebody that sends you little hype notes. It really means a lot to me. You really make me feel seen, and I appreciate you so much.
JEN AKS 4:21
Oh my gosh. Well, you're incredible. I am very inspired by your journey, and I know everyone that's listening will become inspired as well. I would love it if we could just dive in to you and your journey around how you really went from a place of not listening to your body, not listening to that wisdom from within, to a place of listening to that wisdom. So what was that journey like? Could you share a bit about it?
ERIN WASHINGTON 4:56
Absolutely. I always say my journey starts with soccer. I started playing when I was four, and at some point in childhood — I don't know, maybe I overheard people saying I was good at soccer — I made that my value and why I was important. I played all the way through. I was varsity as a freshman. I played Division I college soccer, and so did my three younger sisters. And nobody looked at it like their value. Nobody was as obsessive as I was. But we were back-to-back state champions, I was the captain, I never came off the field, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. When people asked where I was going to school, it was always like, for soccer. And for some reason, I made that my value.
So growing up, I did struggle with body image, and I kind of hid it in soccer. I was fit and thin for soccer, but it was actually anorexia. I had convinced myself that being thinner would make me a better athlete, would make me faster. I took it too far in high school — to a point where a coach said, your crosses aren't strong anymore, like you're losing all the strength in your legs. And when he equated it to soccer, my only value, I was like, oh shit, I gotta eat.
So then my eating disorder evolved into exercise bulimia — which I feel like a lot of people have and they don't realize it's an eating disorder — where you work off everything that you eat. For me, it was to the point where I was jotting down every calorie and then going on an elliptical to cancel it out. And that's through college. In college, I wasn't playing, not yet realizing that soccer was my value and my identity. I came in, won the fitness competitions, and felt like I was earning a place on the field — and it wasn't fair. So, kind of on a whim, I quit my sophomore year. And that's when I realized how much it was my identity. I was living in the soccer house. The girls would go on away trips, and I was sitting in the house like, why am I even at this school if I'm not playing soccer? There's nothing else for me now.
I fell into a deep depression. Bulimia started in college, and just having no self-worth — losing the only thing I'd ever found value in. Coming out of that, I stopped doing the behaviors after a few years. I struggled with bulimia for probably about 10 years. That's when I met my husband. Not having a lot of self-confidence, he was shiny and in the NFL — a Pro Bowl linebacker — and I got value from being his pick. Like, he's important, he's shiny, he likes me, so therefore I have value. So just a lot of validating through body and sport and relationships, and not really seeing my self-worth.
And then when I finally did step into self-worth, after I got my body image stuff in check — happy to go into how I did that — my relationship wasn't aligned anymore. It was like when I really stepped into who I actually was, my relationship kind of fell away. And I filed for divorce two and a half years ago.
I put out a book, Squats and Margaritas: A Journey to Finding Balance, which was a lot about how I got through my body image stuff. But then there was another evolution — once that was off me, there was a little bit more time to look at my drinking. Again, squats and margaritas was my brand, but I didn't really want to drink anymore. And I really wanted to talk about mental health and anxiety and relationships. I pivoted my brand to Therein P with Erin Washington, started a foundation for teen girls struggling with body image and self-worth — which was something I could have used while I was in high school that didn't exist.
Now we have mentors and women coming and sharing their stories, and I've never felt more lit up by what I was doing. And I know we talked about it when you were on my show, but I named it Blue Butterfly because I was getting these hits in my body and seeing this blue butterfly. And listening to the hits I was getting put me on a different, more aligned path. I've never felt more aligned with why my soul is on this planet.
But again, it also came with ending my marriage and now navigating dating in my mid-40s with two kids. And now I'm just sharing these conversations. I talk about co-parenting, sobriety, divorce every week with somebody else who will be equally as vulnerable, or a coach, or a mental health professional, so other women can hear my story, see themselves in it, and maybe get the answers they're looking for without having to be vulnerable themselves. Therein P is me doing therapy — so you don't have to.
And I'm never going to stop, because I know why I went through all the struggles before — to come out on the other end, share my story, and create something that didn't exist. On one side I'm happier than ever, but it's also a very evolving, confusing journey of not knowing what's next and just being open to what's next.
JEN AKS 10:07
Oh my God. I mean, there's so much in there. There's so much in there. First of all, I just want to share that your platform and how you do it is incredible. I remember when I was on your podcast — you were like, I feel like I get to meet all these experts and do therapy with all of these people. And it's just like how you've crafted this. Your story is so relatable. There are so many nuances. Anyone can grab a moment of your life and relate to you. And I'm so grateful for your vulnerability and your courage — your courage to be able to talk about everything. It's so incredible.
I want to talk about that for a second. How does that feel in your body when you are being so vulnerable? Yeah, go.
ERIN WASHINGTON 11:10
Lighter. Like I feel lighter. I was carrying so much. And I have to say — this story was never going to be shared. My big thing was bulimia. I can't think of anything that's more gross and embarrassing and shameful, and I carried that for so long. Again, I was homecoming queen, I was prom queen, I was captain of the soccer team. Nobody knew what was going on inside. It was a lot to uphold that. I felt like I had to be that, and people saw something in me that I didn't see in myself. So I tried to control it with my body and was hiding all these shameful behaviors.
I stopped doing the behaviors. And then, like I said, when I finally got my body in check by actually listening to my hunger cues — not starving myself, not over-exercising — I found my physical ideal. And it's not about a physical ideal, but that is what happened when I started listening to my body. And I went to put out a book to help women find their best bodies. And my writing coach was like, who are you? Like, are you a trainer? Are you a nutritionist? And I'm like, no, but I have done all the things and now I've found this way. And she said, you have no credibility unless you share your story.
And Jen, I was like, absolutely not. Nobody found out. I had packed it all away. I stopped doing the behaviors. I could just go to my grave and nobody would ever know. But she pushed me and said, no one is gonna listen to you unless you share where you came from. And one day I wrote it. I didn't even send it back to her yet. And you asked how it feels in my body to be this vulnerable — the weight that I had been carrying for decades was off. And not even somebody else knowing yet. Me releasing it to the universe.
So I will say to anyone listening that still feels heavy: what is that thing that you are still carrying? It could be something that happened to you, something that was not your fault, something from the past, something nobody knows, maybe something you don't even do anymore. I'll give you a hint — it's whatever you're thinking of right now. Get in there. That is where the magic is. And then you find purpose out of that dark time, and it's not in vain. Any struggle that you went through was for purpose. And if you haven't found something that profoundly lights you up yet, get in there. Maybe it's in that thing.
And again, if you're not doing it anymore, there's somebody else who is — and they will see your story and how you came out of it. You can find purpose through that dark thing you're carrying. You may think, no, I don't do it anymore. You're still carrying it. And you don't have to write a book — but journal it. Tell your husband. Tell somebody. Get it off you.
And once it is off, it's like the rest of your life opens up. I had so much more space to be like, now what can I do with this? And when you share it, and it's scary — but I can tell you personally, the DMs I get from women saying "me too, I've never told anyone, thank you for sharing it" — know that you are not alone. Everybody struggles with whatever you're struggling with. Just not everyone says it out loud. So you can create a community and a space for people to feel safe talking to you, just by sharing that dark thing you were never going to get into.
Me sitting here today, talking about my vulnerability — it almost, and likely, was never going to happen. And I don't know where I would be if I kept that buried. But you're still carrying it in your body. The body keeps the score, even if it's not happening anymore. And I feel lighter — in short. I feel lit up. And it all came from that dark thing I was never going to share.
JEN AKS 14:53
Isn't that unbelievable? The very thing that held us back. For me, it was feeling stupid in school. I didn't do well on my SAT scores, and I created this story about myself that I wasn't smart. I carried it for two decades, and it took me completely out of my body. I had so much shame about it. And you're a hundred percent right — because when I came to a place of starting to feel comfortable, and it still took me a long time, I was in my early 30s still not sharing this stuff. I actually write about this in my book — how I would leave tables when people put the Trivial Pursuit game down. Do you even know Trivial Pursuit? Yes. Okay, because we are about a decade apart in age.
ERIN WASHINGTON 15:37
No one would ever guess that. Don't say that.
JEN AKS 15:40
Oh, I don't care. I have no attachment to age whatsoever. I think it's just a number — but that's a whole other conversation. Anyway, yes, people would put that game out and I would freak out. My whole body would go into paralysis. I would get sick. It was unbelievable. And then when I finally realized there is intelligence within us that is just not taught in school — kinesthetic, emotional, all the beautiful things that make us who we are — my life totally changed. And I started to share it. By sharing it with the world, it really did lift that for me. So I completely understand.
I love that you said that. I'm curious — you mentioned this woman, your writing coach. She was right. She said, you need to share. And you were like, so resistant. But you did it — pen to paper or fingers to keyboard. How long did that take you? And then until you started to say, okay, I'm ready to share this with the world?
ERIN WASHINGTON 16:48
Well, it was immediately off me as soon as I wrote it, but I tried to write around it first.
JEN AKS 16:53
Did it take you a long time to write it?
ERIN WASHINGTON 16:54
Yeah, I tried to write around it. I was like, no, no, no — I just want to help the women. I found a different way. And she's like, no one's gonna buy this book, you don't have any credibility. And I mean, I was 38 when I wrote my first book, and I had two kids. I think a lot of women feel that too — you finally feel a little more comfortable when you get closer to 40. It's just kind of like this shift.
I don't know what finally made me write it. Maybe my pride was like, I'm not gonna sell any books unless I do this. She's telling me I have to share, so it forced it out of me. But I mean, a few months, and then I had to have conversations with my family. They knew something was going on with me, but nobody knew. And I had to be like, well, I have a book coming out, so I'm gonna have to share. But it's so not heavy anymore. Like, I talk about bulimia so openly now — and when I'm telling you, this was the scariest, most shameful thing. Once it's off you, it's only heavy because it's in the dark. You're keeping it in the dark — that's why it's scary and heavy. Once you talk about it, and I talk about everything now because I got the big thing off — so you just have to trust that once it's off, you're not the only one. The only reason you think you are is because it's a scary, kept-away thing. Everybody struggles. Not everyone says it out loud. Get it off of you.
And again, if you're not profoundly lit up by something, that's probably what's holding you back. I had this reputation to uphold. I'm married to an NFL player, I'm a Division I athlete — I had all these titles I was validated by, and I could have kept it quiet and let other people think, oh, she's got it all together. But this purpose and alignment only came from sharing it. I could have had this like meh life. But now I have this lit-up life because I got in there.
So — did we talk about human design when you were on my show?
JEN AKS 18:58
A little bit, but you can go into it.
ERIN WASHINGTON 19:00
My human design is a generator — a sacral generator. And I feel things in my body. I have to share this with you because to know that about yourself is everything. It's where the moon was when you were born — you need to know the city you were born in, the time, and your birthday, obviously. And it'll tell you how you make decisions. Finding out I was a sacral generator almost gave me permission to trust my body. Some people — I think it's the projector type — they have to have decisions projected back. Like, they need to run it by somebody else and then they feel better. Sacral generators: you get a feeling in your body, and that is your knowing.
The woman who did my reading was like, if you're taking your kids to soccer practice and you're supposed to turn left, but something is telling you to go right — you go right. Because that is how your body makes decisions. It gave me permission to be like, no, I feel these things. I got a very thorough reading, and she said yours is very much around other people's safety.
I have saved people — it's happened multiple times where I will feel something in my body and not ignore it. One time I was in my house, nowhere near the front door, and something was telling me to go to the front door. It didn't make logical sense, but I went. And my elderly neighbor was getting mail, and she'd forgotten to put her car in park. She went to try to stop it, but it was still going. She's being dragged across my front lawn by her car — she's 78 years old. I run over, step around her, put the car in park, get her up. And she was like, you're my angel. And how I was at the front door — something just said, go to the front door, and it wasn't logically making sense.
Another time, there was this man — a fan of my dad's. My dad played in the NFL, and this man has been around our family for years. Every Christmas, coming to our family Christmas is the only thing he looks forward to. And my dad was calling him like, oh, I guess he's not coming this year, he's not picking up. I guess he has other plans. And I was like, no, call him again. They're like, he's not answering. I couldn't let it go. I was like, something's wrong. We have to call. So we called the apartment complex, and they're like, no, nobody's really seen him. And I was like, I want a wellness check. They were like, it's only been a few hours. But I could not let go of it. And he had gone into a diabetic coma and had been there for half a day. Nobody knew. They got him the insulin he needed. But my body would not let me let go of it.
JEN AKS 21:31
And so this is — sorry, go ahead.
ERIN WASHINGTON 21:34
These things have happened in my life, and then I get the reading and I'm like, yes — my body gets these things that don't make logical sense. I've saved a kid in a pool. The mom is looking at me, and I just jump in and get her daughter out, and the mom was like — but something told me to look there. And these nudges — your brain tries to override it. Like, no, what? We gotta go to soccer practice this way. But you have to lean in to those feelings. And I didn't really trust it until I got that reading. That was like, no, you're a sacral generator — your body feels things and you follow that, no matter what your brain is telling you. And now looking back, I'm like, yeah, it's always been a thing. But now I have permission to be like, no, that's how I make decisions. I trust that.
JEN AKS 22:23
Oh my gosh, I love that. Now, did you learn about sacral generators — human design — after you wrote the book, after you had this awakening? Yes. Okay. So it just further deepened your connection to yourself, further deepened your trust in yourself. So it's an evolution, which is so beautiful. You had this writing coach who was like, no one's gonna listen to you unless you tell your story. You resisted, you gave in, and then the world opened up. And then you continued to connect even more deeply to your body by being open to people like the one who shared human design with you.
What did you call it again — sacral generator, in human design. Yes. I've heard so much about it. I had a reading a while ago, but it was a long time ago and I need to revisit. I'm gonna guess that you're a sacral generator because I want to be a sacral generator.
ERIN WASHINGTON 23:21
I would be shocked to hear that you need to run something by somebody else to have it projected back. You can tell. It gave me a trust — like somebody else telling me I have this, and now I'm like, I mean, the blue butterfly. Do we talk about why my foundation is called Blue Butterfly?
JEN AKS 23:37
We are gonna talk about that, but wait — hold on a second. There are so many things flying here. What's very interesting about what you just said is that the reading gave you validation — that acknowledgement of that part of you gave you permission to trust yourself even more. So there's also this piece that we all want to a degree: we all want someone to say, yes, what you're doing matters, your story really matters. So I think that's also really important, because yes, the sacral generator — we're listening to the body and we're acting — but it's also nice to have that opening and awakening from someone else to give us that validation as well, right?
ERIN WASHINGTON 24:34
Yes. And generator, sacral generator, is energy. Generator is all about energy, and that is the word people always say to me — like, your energy. I've always heard that. But yeah, I needed somebody, like a professional, to be like, and now I've fully stepped into it. Once I got that validation — like, no, this is how you make decisions — that actually makes total sense. And she was like, we could talk about your chart for the rest of the day, because everything that you're saying is here. And it just made me feel like, stand 10 toes down. My body feels this. But it did take somebody saying, energy, body, to fully embrace it.
JEN AKS 25:12
Yeah. I would love to lean into blue butterfly because that's huge. And right before that, I want to just talk about how this has really impacted your service and your leadership in this world. Being a voice out there, being an example, giving people that door to walk through — the "me too, me too" — that is leadership of the highest level. And you did speak about this a lot, that when you start listening, when you start activating, when you start speaking your truth, it just opens everything up. But how has it really impacted you? You're doing a podcast, you have this incredible foundation, you're serving so beautifully. Can you speak to that leadership aspect?
ERIN WASHINGTON 26:05
It's evolved again. Like squats and margaritas, and me thinking I needed to help women from what I'd been through and help them find their best bodies. And Jen, I thought I was writing as my highest self. There's so much more evolution past that. It's like just letting things unfold. Getting the body image stuff off — and then the pandemic. I was like, I'm drinking too much. I'm drinking every day. Let's look at that. And again, it was easy to look at that because that wasn't my big thing. My big thing was bulimia. Getting that off, I was like, ah — so then it was easy. Once the big thing's off, you can casually look at other things. I was like, yeah, I feel like I'm drinking too much. And other moms would be like, what do you mean? Like, you're not drinking at home. And I'm like, no, I'm drinking at home. And because I got the big thing off, I could talk vulnerably about the next thing.
And then it was my relationship — feeling comfortable not having this perfect, oh, we're great, posting pictures, making sure my husband's in the pictures, even though he's not even living here anymore. Everything evolved once I got the big thing off. It was easier to look at everything else. And now I'm sharing as I go. The Therein P vibe is: you can learn with me. Here's what I'm struggling with this week. This person's gonna help me with it. Now you can get the answers. It just evolved further.
And then Blue Butterfly — remembering back to when I was anorexic at 16 or bulimic at 20. My mom, God love her — me being a mom now, she just wanted to help me and she was like, please let me in. But I was so defensive. I was like, you don't get it. And I just believed she didn't understand. And when it was really out of hand, I did consider going to treatment. But I had this feeling, like this picture of a man with a clipboard being like, tell me about your body image. And I'd be like, you don't get it either. So something — a hit — was like, there needs to be a place where women who have been through this specific thing can go back and share their stories, so a teenage girl will feel seen. And I would have talked to me — a 44-year-old woman saying me too. And what we do in our retreats is: we share. I share on body image and eating disorders. We have people leave toxic relationships, speak on sexual identity, whatever it is. So a girl in middle school or high school can sit there and say nothing.
JEN AKS 28:22
This is Blue Butterfly we're talking about. Sorry — yes, it evolved into this.
ERIN WASHINGTON 28:26
Yeah, Blue Butterfly Foundation. We bring women who have been through that same thing. Once we share, you just see their guards go down. Then we go to small groups, and it's like you'll gravitate toward whoever's story impacted you. And the things they share — because we shared first and because they know we get it — it's magic.
And I've started having moms come too. The conversations the moms are having — I've learned so much. I remember this one girl, she was like, I just feel like I can't talk to you. And the mom is crying. She's like, what can I do to make you talk to me? And the girl said, if you could just be like, I've never been a mom before, I don't really know what I'm doing all the time — that would make me want to talk to you more. And we're all looking at each other like, whoa. I'll use that with my daughter. I'll be like, I've never been a mommy, I'm trying my best. And her guard comes down.
So it's like this space that I knew needed to exist and didn't. And I know I went through what I did to make this a thing — to put this out into the world. Once I'm gone, this is why I was here. Because there was no place where a girl would feel comfortable sharing. Because you don't want to tell your mom everything. You don't want to go to therapy. You're afraid they won't understand. I'll understand. I'll share first. And then it's like the girls just kind of find their people, and you look around and there are these small groups, people are crying and connecting, and it's magic.
And I wouldn't have been able to put this out into the world if I didn't share the thing — if I had kept my pride and been like, no, I've got it all together. On my first book, I'm holding a dumbbell and I have abs and it's like, I've made it. But I shared it. And it's this bigger, necessary thing that came out of it that I know I was brought here to do — that almost didn't happen if I had kept it in the dark.
JEN AKS 30:13
Do you have so much gratitude for yourself?
ERIN WASHINGTON 30:15
Yeah. I never do that. I'm very hard on myself. I have gratitude for — okay.
JEN AKS 30:20
We need to pause for a moment. You must. I mean, what you're doing for people — you cannot rush through this. I mean, whatever's supposed to come through you —
ERIN WASHINGTON 30:36
I'm very grateful to be used as a vessel to bring to the world what I'm supposed to bring.
JEN AKS 30:41
Yes, there's that — gratitude that you're a vessel. But also, just really, gratitude for yourself. Like, thank you, me. Thank you for having this story and holding this story. What you went through when you were younger is just unbelievable. It's very heavy, and it is of such service to the world. And so I'm grateful for you, and I want you to be grateful for yourself. That is really important — that you pause. Like we did before we came on this podcast, we did a little bodyset moment, and that is essential for you, really, to keep doing what you're doing. That gratitude for yourself is so important.
ERIN WASHINGTON 31:28
I appreciate that. I need to do that more. I'm always just on to the next thing. I know that I'm maybe a little too driven to leave tangible things to the world. I have a children's book coming out, and it's like I will finally feel like I can go to my grave because I have put tangible things out there, and now my life mattered. I need to give myself a little grace and not have this pushing energy to produce something to validate that my life had value. I do watch that. Like, I don't want my daughter to live that way — to validate by titles and tangible things. I have value. And thank you for pointing that out.
JEN AKS 32:16
Because you have so much energy and you're gonna continue to produce and create. That's just you, that's what you're gonna do. And a moment to pause and slow down and really appreciate exactly what's happening — you're gonna continue to do great things. But that moment to pause, I just think is really important for your soul. So I'll keep reminding you — I'll keep sending you those morning texts. I would love to know a little more about these settings for these girls, because I'm sure listeners have the question. Are there other professionals in the room? Is it you and the girls? Do the parents wait outside? Like, how does that work?
ERIN WASHINGTON 33:03
Great question. So I have a network of women that I've evolved through the podcast. I'm talking to these women and I'm like, you would be such an asset to Blue Butterfly. They're just people doing what I do — sharing vulnerability around body image, relationships, all of it. And when I hear their stories, I'm like, this would be so beneficial to another girl. So I have this network of women who have done my show or that I follow on Instagram that I can call on when we do an event.
There are usually about six people who talk. We'll have sponsors — I usually partner with women-owned businesses, paying it forward to the next generation of women. Each person will share — like a 20-minute presentation. Then we sit down and have lunch together, and after they've talked, you can see where the girls will gravitate. Then we do small groups: wherever you want to go, whoever resonated with you, you talk. Usually things come up in the small group. Then we all come back, the speakers go on a panel, and it's ask us anything. And that ends up going a couple of hours, because girls will uncover things in the small group, maybe feel more comfortable, and bring that to the bigger setting.
It's for girls 12 to 20. So if you're dropping off a 12 or 13-year-old, you're more than welcome to stay as a mother. And I have seen such impact from the moms that stay. I did hesitate at first — like, maybe they won't feel comfortable sharing if their mom is there. I have not found that to be true. Because they see other girls and they feel more comfortable. It's the format of us sharing first — their guards go down. They come in like, what is this? My mom made me go to this girls' empowerment thing. But when we talk and there are women that share and are crying and are vulnerable, they're like, okay, she gets it. Like, I would talk to her. Because I would have talked to me.
So that's how it usually goes. Everybody gives their story, we have lunch, small group, panel. Moms are welcome to stay. Last time we had a sound bath practitioner, so we all laid down and did that — a wellness element to it. You could even do a bodyset thing. And I want to take it all over the country, to be honest. The bandwidth going through a divorce and mediation right now, I'm putting out a children's book — I wish I had more bandwidth. Anyone listening to this who wants a Blue Butterfly event in their city, DM me. I want this to be everywhere. This is my life's work. But right now we haven't done one in a year, mainly because I'm dealing with my marriage and my life.
JEN AKS 35:41
I want to hear about that in a second. But first — how did you come up with Blue Butterfly? How did that name come to be?
ERIN WASHINGTON 35:50
Well, a blue butterfly in the flesh kept coming to my doorstep. And it sounds very woo-woo, okay. Every day I would look out, and the blue butterfly is on my doorstep. I have like 25 videos on my Instagram of this blue butterfly, and it would come out and it wouldn't fly away. And I was like, this is so weird. Sometimes if my kids would come out, they'd be like, mommy, you're a butterfly. And I'm like, this is so crazy. I'd put it on Instagram, timestamp it, be like, it's back. People would say, butterflies only live two weeks. I'm like, not this one. Look — bam. So I'd come out and be like, hi, how can I help you? Like, this is so crazy.
So at that point, I was trying to get a TED talk — like you. And I had a coach for that, who ended up being more of a business coach. She's like, what's happening with the nonprofit for the girls? You need to get that up and going. And in that moment, after it had been coming for like two weeks, I was like, Blue Butterfly. And she was like, okay. And then it left. Like the universe was like, dude — Blue Butterfly — got it. So now I've got blue butterflies on my body, blue butterflies all over my office. And once I named it Blue Butterfly, I guess it became like — I'll probably see one today. Once you open your eyes to the direction the universe is giving you, it's like, how long was that blue butterfly out there while I was just on my phone?
Once you notice it, you almost expect it. And the most knock-you-over moment — how I know I'm supposed to keep going — I want to share two stories. Somebody was giving their opinion about me leaving to go do an event for other girls, saying maybe I should be home with my kids. They were getting in my head and I was second-guessing myself. Going to the Atlanta airport, feeling a little ashamed for leaving my kids to go do this work. Jen — Atlanta airport is the busiest airport in the world. I could have gotten stopped in traffic. I could have stopped to go to the bathroom, tie my shoes. I come through TSA, and if you've been to Atlanta, there are like 20 lines. I finally get pushed to one line. There are two bins. I could have gone left or right. I go right. The bin I pick up has a blue butterfly sticker on it. I have goosebumps. How could that ever happen? I could have gone any direction. I could have been three people ahead, three people back. I pick it up, and the guy next to me goes, are you okay? I was like, no, I'm not okay. I take a picture and my whole body is shaking. Like, the guidance of keep going — how in the hell could a blue butterfly sticker have been in that bin, when I could have gone to any bin?
From that moment, I'm like, somebody is directing this. And then I'll see it in traffic — whenever I'm doubting myself, there'll be a blue butterfly sticker on a license plate right in front of me. I've seen a girl walk by me at Target with a blue butterfly backpack, and I almost laugh out loud. Like, got it. Someone is up there, whatever you believe, directing you. But you're looking at your phone. As soon as you walk in nature or notice something, it's like you can't unsee it. And now I almost expect it. And that is my sign — I was being directed, and I saw it.
And then in that moment with my coach, she was like, what do we call it? I named it Blue Butterfly — and my butterfly left. Like the universe was like, yes, got it. But now it's just been this guidance that I know I'm supposed to keep going. Even if somebody else had a different opinion and was getting in my head, that bin — trust yourself. Trust your body. There are signs, but you're looking at your phone. Once you start to look for them, it's like: put yourself out into the world authentically and organically, and then look for the guidance.
And that's what I did. It just keeps evolving. One book, then the next. And then during the pandemic, I was just going live. I have a two and a four-year-old, the gyms are closed, the schools are closed. And a program director was watching me on Instagram and gave me my show. I wasn't auditioning. It's like I'm just putting me out into the universe and then sitting back. So again, I keep saying: if you have not found something that profoundly lights you up, and you know if you have — maybe it's in that thing you're hiding, that thing you're dulling. You have to put 100% of yourself, authentically, out into the world, then sit back. My show fell in my lap. Everything evolved when I got into that dark place, got vulnerable, and the rest of my life opened up. And it just continues to evolve.
So I named it Blue Butterfly because an actual blue butterfly was coming to my doorstep every day until I got the message — and then it left.
JEN AKS 41:11
Oh my God. I mean, it's so incredible. And I could literally just listen to you talk for hours. You can't say it enough — and it's the core of what you're saying, which is: open up. Lean into that discomfort. Lean into that story that is so dark and deep within you, and know that it's hard. It's so hard. You've said it, I've said it, so many people have said it. But hopefully this conversation is going to give whoever is listening the permission to begin that journey and to know that not everything happens quickly. You might not hear the signs or find the signs right away, and it's not all going to happen so fast — or it might. But just begin with an opening, with a pause, and just allow your truth to be told. Because it is the magic. It is the gift that keeps on giving if we can look at it in that way.
And I just acknowledge and congratulate and applaud the vulnerability — the courageous vulnerability — because that is fucking hard. It is hard. But know that there are people like Erin, like me, and so many others out there. Go ahead, you want to say something?
ERIN WASHINGTON 42:28
When you said lean into the discomfort — it's only discomfort now. It's only uncomfortable because you haven't gotten in there. It won't be anymore. It's not heavy anymore. It's only this heavy thing because you're keeping it in the dark. That's why it's scary. Once you talk about it, it's out. And so it's just kind of like — you can live now. Like, yeah, you know all this about me. And it's okay. It was only scary and dark because it was tucked away.
JEN AKS 43:00
Like it was tucked away. And we were told — the conditioning of the world leads us to that shame. And it is voices like you, like me, and so many others that say: shame can be your power. It really can, believe it or not. And it is true that it's hard at first, and then it gets easier and easier. What gets a little tricky though is when there are other people involved in your story — your children, your ex-husband — but you have found a way to be vocal no matter what.
ERIN WASHINGTON 43:37
Because I'm living and modeling what I want my kids to be. And if I were to stay in a marriage that no longer was aligned or served me, or just put up with things I was putting up with, I would be showing my daughter: this is love, this is what mommies and daddies do. And then she would be accepting of that behavior.
So that was a final straw for me. It was uncomfortable to file for divorce. I had a lot of guilt and shame about my kids going back and forth. But it came down to what I was modeling — especially my daughter, who watches me very intently — and what I was accepting. If that was happening to her, I could never imagine. She'd think, wait, this is what mommies and daddies do. Or if she came home and said, my boyfriend doesn't really like when I do TV, or he thinks I should be home with the kids — I would never say, well honey, listen to him, you got married. I would say, are you kidding me? Shine. Grow. So how could I not show her?
I had to do it because she's watching me, and I would never want her to be accepting of the behaviors I was accepting for as long as I did. So think about anyone who's like, yeah, but we've got two parents in the home and I'm doing this for the kids. Is it actually serving them? What are you showing them? Because you're not showing them a healthy, loving marriage. And I know you can speak to this as well.
JEN AKS 45:01
Absolutely. I went through it myself. And I think it comes down to a lot of what is the heart and soul of this podcast — are we listening to voices outside of ourselves, or are we listening to the wisdom from within? Are we paying attention to the nudges, to the callings, to our stories? And we have to rewire. We have to know that all of those voices within us are so intelligent — more intelligent than anyone outside of ourselves.
Yes, I too lived that experience. I was worried. I made the decision to leave my marriage as well. I wasn't certain — I was scared out of my mind. What are my kids going to think? What are other people gonna think? We checked off so many boxes. I totally understand all of that pressure. But at the end of the day, just like you, going within and saying, what am I modeling — and listening to that true wisdom — I love how many nudges you have listened to inside of your body. And what I find so beautiful is that for so long you didn't. And sharing your story gives people hope. Like, I still don't know how, I still can't pay attention — but Erin did it. Like, I can get there.
So, what would you say to that 10-year-old, 15-year-old, or 50-year-old that doesn't know how to listen to their body, but knows there's something going on in there? What would you invite them to?
ERIN WASHINGTON 46:42
I just go back to: you are enough. You don't need to validate through somebody else. If you don't feel like you're enough, the nudges you're feeling — you're not trusting them because you don't trust yourself. Once you find your value and stop trying to validate through everything external — I did it on Instagram too. Followers, comments, going viral. Like, if I do that, then I'm important and shiny. It's such a journey to get to a place of not validating through anything else and just knowing you can trust yourself and those nudges.
Like, the human design gave me permission to be like, no, you feel these things. I thought those things, but I didn't trust that it was a real thing. That validated it for me: you can trust your body, and this is how your body makes decisions. So step fully into that.
And now I trust it. You can write things down. I have proof now that my body is telling me something, and it's happening. I'm dating now. I'm getting these feelings about someone, and I'm like, no — but maybe. And it's like, nope. Listen to your body. Don't try to over-rationalize what your body is telling you. You get these gut knowings — listen to that. Don't try to overthink it so that you can have this dopamine hit when this person texts you back. I get it. You haven't had connection and you crave it. But your body knows. Listen to that. Trust that. And do your human design — find out how your body makes decisions. Trust that that's the design of your humanity. It's not another person co-signing it or validating it. You know.
JEN AKS 48:38
I love that. Oh my gosh, this is amazing. Tell people where they can find you. How do they get involved with Blue Butterfly, your work, your podcast, all the things.
ERIN WASHINGTON 48:51
Yes. I mostly show up on Instagram. I am Erin Washington. I have an Instagram for the show there — Therein P with Erin Washington. It's available wherever you get your shows. I had a great guest, Jen Aks, that came out recently that you might like. Please subscribe — that comes out every Monday. The Blue Butterflies is also another Instagram handle where you can DM me and let me know if you want me to come to your city. You can see videos of past events there.
I have a book, From Pain to Purpose: Finding Meaning in the Mess, available on Amazon. We talked about my journey today, but it's exactly that: how I used to live, how I live now, and how I uncovered my purpose. And coming soon is I'm Just Like Me — a children's book about comparison. My kids are biracial. My daughter is very tall and she's always talking about how her ponytail doesn't look like somebody else's, or her shoes are bigger than everybody else's. And it's basically: that's the point — you are here to be like you and nobody else. I feel like there wasn't a book that tells kids that at an early age. So that should be coming out in the next couple of months. And I think that's all.
JEN AKS 49:59
Okay, I need to promote that. You've got to tell me all the things. Oh, incredible. You are amazing. I thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. You're a beautiful soul, and I just support you a thousand percent. I appreciate you.
ERIN WASHINGTON 50:15
It's such a pleasure to know you and be in your orbit. Thank you for having me on your show.
JEN AKS 50:20
Absolutely. All right, everyone. I'll see you next week for Wisdom From Within.